


The Princess and the Pee

by charlotteschaos



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Crack, M/M, Slash, The Quidditch Pitch: The Changing Room, Watersports
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-03-26
Updated: 2007-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-27 10:11:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10807011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlotteschaos/pseuds/charlotteschaos
Summary: Snape/Lupin Severus can't sleep and somehow it's Lupin's problem. *squick warning* Urine





	The Princess and the Pee

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

It didn't take long after the War had begun for Voldemort to suss out that his not-so-trusted ally Severus Snape was really a spy. Having no where else to hide him, Dumbledore dispatched him to Grimmauld place with Remus Lupin, with the idea of leaving the men on the shelf until Dumbledore could sort out a better location for each of them. At the very least, it put Remus in close proximity with someone who could make Wolfsbane Potion for him and gave them both some company.  
  
That was the theory, anyway.  
  
The two men had spent most of the night ignoring one another. There were a few occasions where Remus made a half-hearted attempt at conversation, only to be shut out with a glare. He rolled his eyes and went on with his evening. He thought Snape's grip on his childhood trauma was petty, after all, Remus had real issues to deal with and somehow managed to not be a vindictive asshole, but to each his own.  
  
He was just settling into his bed, relaxing to the sound of the crackling fire as he tucked into "Memoirs of a Geisha," when he heard a hard rapping at his door. For a brief moment, Remus thought about just ignoring it. It would serve Severus right to just be blown off after he'd spent the night doing just that. Replacing the bookmark, Remus relented and pulled on his dressing gown to answer the door.  
  
Noting that Snape was more rumpled than usual, Remus raised his brows in question.  
  
"The mattress in my room is lumpy. Switch rooms with me." Without waiting for a response, Snape pushed into the room and headed immediately for Remus's bed, pushing on the mattress to check it for firmness.  
  
Remus watched him with a baffled expression. "Switch rooms? Over a mattress? I've been in this room for months. You don't want to sleep on this bed. It was Sirius's. Go back to your room."  
  
Not that his points made any difference to Severus, who was already tucking himself into Remus's erstwhile bed. He picked up Remus's book and made a face at it and then threw it at the other man. "And take your trashy Muggle romance with you. Arthur Golden. Honestly."  
  
Catching the book, Remus just stared at Snape making himself at home in his bed. In Sirius's bed. He was pretty sure that there was nothing wrong with the other mattress, that this was just some bizarre Slytherin domination game. It was irksome, but Remus was determined to rise above it. "Sleep well," he muttered as he turned to go.  
  
" _Nox_!" Snape replied, sucking the light out of the room so Remus had to wander down the hall in the dark.  
  
\--  
  
Finally, Remus had built a new fire in the spare room to his satisfaction, had convinced Phineas Nigellus to mind his own business, and returned to the blissful state of pre-sleep reading. There was a knock at the door. Remus gritted his teeth.  
  
Severus didn't wait for an answer, but barged in. "That mattress was worse than this one. Get out of my bed and go to your room."  
  
Staying put, Remus glared up at Snape. "I had no idea you were such a _princess_ when it came to _mattresses_ , Severus. Perhaps you should make yourself a sleeping draught if you're having such a hard time of it."  
  
Instead of a reply, Severus walked to the bed and yanked back the covers. "Out. This is my bed, I won't have you leaving dog hair in it."  
  
Remus's mouth fell open at the rudeness and audacity. Childish games and pranks were one thing, but Severus was completely out of his skull if he thought this behaviour was befitting a grown man. He closed his book and set it on the nightstand and slowly stood up, glaring at Severus.  
  
Snape clamped his hands on Remus's shoulders and shoved him to the side and clambered back into his bed. Remus stared at him. Something snapped. He wasn't a violent man. For a good portion of his life, he'd been fairly passive. Passivity had never really gotten him anywhere and adulthood had shown him that firmness was important. But firmness didn't work with Snape. A sledgehammer wasn't likely to work with Snape. His impatience with the man's petulance coupled with sleep depravation proved too much, even for Remus. He snapped. Grabbing his book off of the nightstand, he smacked it on the side of Snape's head.  
  
It appeared to be just the sort of weakness that Snape had hoped to elicit. He hopped up and glared right into Remus's eyes, nose to nose. "Such rude behaviour, you are no better than the dog you become every month, Lupin. You never have been and never will be any more than a pathetic mutt. You don't even have your master anymore. Just what are you to do?"  
  
Remus shoved him back down on the bed. "A dog, am I? That hurts _so much_ coming from a prissy little princess who can't sleep away from a comfortable feather bed. You know what your problem is?"  
  
"Oh, I'd love to hear a brilliant assessment from a mongrel like you!" Snape stopped his bouncing on the ratty, old mattress, black eyes narrowed as he leaned in, smirking.  
  
It wasn't as if the dog analogies were bothersome. He'd heard them all before, many of them from this very man. Over a decade later, they were as stale as they'd ever been. But tonight, they were especially grating. Remus was not going to live in a house with this power struggle going on every night. "You've never had anything real to deal with, Severus. All of your slights are mostly imagined. You were bulled in school? Too fucking bad. Maybe you should've made less of a target of yourself. You know what I think?"  
  
"I can hardly wait!"  
  
"I think you _liked the attention_. It was the only thing that ever made you special to anyone. Without James and Sirius pestering you, you would've had nothing to feel sorry for yourself about. You should be thanking them."  
  
"I'll send them my regards. Do you happen to know how to get a parcel to hell..."  
  
Remus gave Severus a warning look.  
  
"...mutt?" Snape leered in a dare; his eyes were alight with malice.  
  
That was it. Remus threw his book onto the nightstand, opened his dressing gown and yanked up his nightshirt. "Well, since you insist that I'm a dog, perhaps I should indulge in some animalistic behaviour."  
  
Severus's eyes widened. "What are you going to do... Lupin?" It was foolish to think that Lupin couldn't be pushed too far. He'd experienced recent loss with Sirius's death. He stared at the flaccid cock in Remus's hand. At the very least, he wasn't hard. He couldn't tear his eyes from it, so he saw with the first glittering stream of urine shot out from the slit, hitting him square in his gaping mouth. Snape sputtered, swallowing reflexively. It was nastily bitter with a side tinge of saltiness and utterly unpleasant. Made worse by the knowledge of whom it came from. He gagged and tried to spit, only to be hit in the face with another stream, finding it stuck onto his tongue in tepid acidic warmth. Like lukewarm water that had gone bad like sour milk.  
  
His continued sputtering caused the acidic-smelling fluid to be inhaled into Snape's over-large nostrils. It spattered up into his eyes, making his eyes water from the sting of the overbalance of saline as well as the harshness of it invading his sinuses. His forehead throbbed with the inhaled liquid and he drooled out the vile taste as he blinked open his eyes, watching Lupin soiling his pillows and the mattress.  
  
Having marked his territory, Remus shook himself and then dropped his nightshirt and drew his dressing gown closed. Part of him felt sorry for Severus, shivering and gagging from his actions, but the thought of how the man kept pestering him and how it wasn't likely to stop unless he'd done something extreme, quelled his regret. Grabbing his book, he tucked it under his arm and fished out his wand. "You will stay in here tonight, lumpy mattress or not, I'll let you out in the morning. If you _ever_ pull another stunt like this... " He let the statement hang and exited, slamming the door and hexing it shut. At last, he could get some sleep.


End file.
